Visiting India is increasingly becoming a profound dilemma to me. In just four years I am finding myself staring at some gibberish scenario, a country that is fast becoming alien to me. Or perhaps, I am becoming alien to it. May be I am exaggerating or may be this is effect of V.S. Naipaul on me.
I think I am simultaneously living in three different narratives. First one, a booming India, an emerging economic giant and struggling geo-political power, a country critically analyzed and generally eulogized by NYT and WSJ. Being a nationalist, I feel that finally dream of billion people is becoming a reality. And in a sense it is true. But, this is a view from thousands of miles away. The discrepancies begin to appear once I go closer, that is, when I visit India.
This is second India, second narrative. India of reality. It is as if India of my dream is indeed a mirage. Dream and mirage when used together seems to be providing more devastating effect than mirage and more unrealistic effect than dream. Each visit India seems to be slipping into more chaos. No doubt there is great economic upheaval and its waves are encompassing whole India, affecting virtually every facet of social as well as individual life. But India as usual is unaware of these effects and is completely unprepared to deal with it. Prowess of political class, which is seeping through every facet of life, increasing its power and yet acting like a regressive force. A democracy that is slowly becoming mobocracy and a burgeoning middle class, instead of playing lead role in social up-lifting, busy in imitating west. The scenario seems to be comically dark and perplexing
Third narrative is more personal. It is related to my parents, my extended family and my friends. The anxiousness to come back home and frustration of dealing with situations, situations that were completely irrelevant to me before. And finally the dilemma of whether I should come back home permanently. The question should be whether I can stay and survive in India or not? This emotional turmoil is nothing short of a movie script. Thousands of questions shrouding like thorns, making me ineligible to live in India and at the same time making it impossible to live in US too.
I am pretty sure all most all the students and professionals going abroad face this daunting task of fitting themselves in an alien culture and redefining their concept of home, redefining concept of India.
I am not exactly going through this process, not yet. But I find my current situation funny because I never thought that I will ever stare at this problem.
My future is uncertain at this point and in fact I may never face this crisis. But I am just praying that my conscious will be clear of any doubt if I ever have to make any decision regarding this issue. I don’t want to become a visitor to India. How will I call India mine if I become visitor? And, I don’t want to loose one of the very few things that I feel are mine.
