Random Walk To Nowhere!

I am feeling like running in the vacuum right now. Without any external push you can’t run in the vacuum. No matter what you try to do, you ain’t going to move an inch. Similarly the more I try to do, the situation ain’t changing a bit in my life. Basically, actions without consequences. I don’t like to talk about my life. It’s not that worthy. At least not yet. In any case, there is very thin line between sharing experience and fantasizing one’s own beauty i.e. narcissism. And yet, I am trying to tread this line and catch the absolute abstractness of my life in words. From the outside, even to me, everything looks picture perfect. I graduated from prestigious university (at least, I think my university is prestigious!) and within a day or two of graduating I got the job offer in New York City. And that’s when then my seemingly attempts to swim in the thin air began.

When ever I see myself in my dreams, I find myself to be extremely slow in every motion. It is as if I want to do certain things like run but suddenly, someone is pausing my actions. Have you ever tried to play the movie before de-pausing it? The way words come out of actor’s mouth are hilarious. Now think you are actually inside the TV and someone playing you without de-pausing. And, you could speak three words per minute and trust me, it doesn’t feel good. Though, the rest of the world (I am still talking about the world in my dreams) seems to be within the laws of earthly physics, somehow I transcendent the three dimension realm of reality. I know, dreams are beyond three dimensional realm and no, I ain’t having any mystical experience. It’s just I feel frustrated and handicapped to do even mundane activities in my dream. And, this examples are to explain the way I am feeling right now. This sense of deja-vu is driving me insane because this is happening for real. Interestingly, the part of the dreams that are coming true are not the stuff I would like to experience. But irony is the essence of life.

College life provided me the structure. Exams, projects and home works etc. kept my mind focused on the objective, that, was for me, an unnecessary necessity. By the senior year, I was more than ready to enter into the working life style. But with me entering into work force it seems I am missing the college structure. The sense of desolateness caught me with surprise and I am desperately looking for the light at the end of this tunnel.

I know this is a passing phase. Perhaps, everyone goes through this ordeal and I really don’t want to sound pessimistic here. When this scenario will change, I probably won’t even remember this period. And, all these ‘sense of feelings’ will just be a space filler on my blog.